Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?” “Yes,” said her friend, “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to… Continue reading Life’s Plan
Author: keith
Gods Exersize Plan
And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super… Continue reading Gods Exersize Plan
Child Rearing FAQ
As a service to young, and expecting parents everywhere, I offer these few points of information. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know… Continue reading Child Rearing FAQ
Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last Won a World Series
Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.… Continue reading Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last Won a World Series
The Tell-Tale Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the… Continue reading The Tell-Tale Clock
Excerpts from a Cat Diary
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I… Continue reading Excerpts from a Cat Diary
Stop for a Driving Lesson
I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit. “Oh,” she said, “I already… Continue reading Stop for a Driving Lesson
Looking for a Wife at Wal-Mart
Two old guys, Alvin and Jesse, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. Alvin says to Jesse, “Sorry about that. I didn’t notice you there. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” To which Jesse says, “That’s OK, it must be a coincidence.… Continue reading Looking for a Wife at Wal-Mart
Work History
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it… Continue reading Work History
Haunted House Report
On the outskirts of town there is a spooky old house, avoided by all the townfolk. There is said to be a cantankerous old ghost which lives there, and is feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house,… Continue reading Haunted House Report